Time For A New Me

Today is Monday.

The first Monday of 2014. The kids are out of school due to snow, the husband is home from work because of snow.

But I’m not letting that stop me from taking my first steps on this new journey of me. I can’t, because I’m slowing dying due to the weight, the depression.

Here are some things I’m going to change, starting today.

1. I’m trying to be more positive. I’m going to start every day off with something positive…a saying, a picture, something. I’m going to share it on Facebook.

2. I’m going to get up in the morning and do 5 minutes of stretches, plus 25 squats every morning.

3. I’m going to get myself on a schedule and stick to it. Cleaning, blogging, etc.

4. When the husband comes home from work, I’m not getting on the internet. The bulk of my internet time will be during the day, before the kids get home.

5. I’m going to try to spend more time with the kids, both as a group and one on one.

6. I’m going to try to spend more time with the husband. At least once a month, we are going on a date.

7. I’m going to end every night with 5 minutes of stretching and 25 more squats.

8. I’m going to deep clean twice a week, after I eat breakfast and work out.

9. I’m going to find a daily devotional for the Unitarian Universalist network and read it.

10. I’m going to read one book a week. At least. More if I can.

 

Starting weight today is 300.6

The Journey To Myself

It will begin on January 6.

I start every new journey on a Monday. It’s the start of a new week for me, so I figure it’s a perfect day to start a new journey.

In the past, when I start my journeys, I end up turning around before the month is out.

Not this time.

No sir.

It is time for me to really make this happen, because I need to get past this feeling of hatred I have for myself and find the me that is lost.

This blog will become more active, just a heads up for you guys. I will be posting a weekly progress report. I can’t figure out how I’m going to post pictures without revealing who I am, but I will. I am excited to start down this path, because I plan to do something pretty cool. I’m going to take weekly pictures of my face, so I can document the change when I reach my goal.

Here’s to me.

28th Secret Subject Swap

Welcome to the 28th Secret Subject Swap.This week 12 brave bloggers picked a secret subject for someone else and were assigned a secret subject to interpret in their own style. Today we are all simultaneously divulging our topics and submitting our posts.

ImageThis week, my subject came from Dinosaur Superhero Mommy and it was “You have a special snow blower that turns the snow into food of your choice. What do you choose and why? How would you keep it from getting into the wrong hands?” Thank you for the subject.

My favorite food is Chinese food. I could shut down a buffet. So if I have a snow blower that turned snow into my food of choice, that food would be Chinese food. To keep it out of the wrong hands (read: mine), I would probably have that thing disassembled, then melted down, then buried in an undisclosed location. I don’t need something like that around me. Chinese food is my kryptonite. Considering this blog will be much more active starting next month, because I am finally going to buckle down and do something about this weight, having a snow blower that gives me food like that isn’t a good thing. No sir, I do NOT need that.

Maybe, however, I could find a way to rewire the thing, as I will be rewiring my brain, to shoot out all my favorite healthy foods. That would make changing my eating habits SO much easier. I’d provide myself with one of my favorite lunches (salad with chicken and shredded mozzarella cheese) or one of my favorite dinners (low fat pizza bagels). I’d have, on hand, at all times, nothing but healthy and yummy food.

Maybe I don’t need a snow blower….maybe I need a cook!

Thanks for stopping by! Will you please check out my friends?

http://BakingInATornado.com                            Baking In A Tornado

http://www.homeonderanged.com                      Home on Deranged

http://www.eviljoyspeaks.wordpress.com               Evil Joy Speaks

http://bethteliho.wordpress.com                         Writer B is Me

https://thisisdiscoveringme.wordpress.com/            Discovering Me

http://thethreegerbers.blogspot.ch/                      Confessions of a part-time working mom

http://dinoheromommy.com/                              Dinosaur Superhero Mommy

http://momsdontsaythat.com                         Moms Don’t Say That

http://www.spinstersnacks.com/                          Spinster Snacks

http://www.theblacksheepmom.blogspot.com            Black Sheep Mom

http://spatulasonparade.blogspot.com                  Spatulas on Parade

http://www.justalittlenutty.com/                             Just A Little Nutty

The Most Interesting Person I’ve Met

This is my second secret subject swap. This month, my prompt is “Who is the most interesting person you have ever known? What made them so interesting?” I was given this prompt by Rants From My Crazy Kitchen. Thank you for the prompt.

This one is a hard one to write, because I honestly can’t think of anyone to write about. Everyone is interesting in their own way. We all have a certain quirkiness to us that makes us somewhat interesting. We all have a past that can make us interesting. Our experiences, our memories, our personality……all interesting.

I guess, for this piece, I’ll write about my Grandfather. He was a strong man, with calloused hands that had yellowed fingernails due to years of smoking unfiltered Lucky Strike cigarettes. Standing at well over 6 feet tall, he was thin with a body that was honed from years spent in the military, then years spent working and taking care of his home.

He had a love for baseball that was unfaltering and I remember, as a child, sitting on the porch of that old country house…I could clearly hear the game that was playing on the TV. My Grandpa, he was hard of hearing and that TV was forever turned up to full volume.

At night, he would sit at the kitchen table and play solitaire for hours. Just sitting there, smoking his cigarettes and playing cards, every so often humming to himself.

Hugging him, you were enveloped with the a mixture of Old Spice, Folgers (black, thanks), and nicotine. That man would wrap his arms around you and squeeze just so.

He always had a story to tell, be it from his youth to his time spent in the military to just telling you about a story he’d read in the paper. Every story was told with excitement and a zeal found no where else.

He never attended church with my Grandma, but before he passed on, 8 years after his true love left this Earth, he was saved by the preacher from the old Southern Baptist church his beloved attended.

A lot of his zest for life left when my Grandma died. He had an unfaltering love for her. He passed just days before their 57th wedding anniversary and I know…I KNOW that he did it because he just couldn’t hold on anymore. She was waiting on him.

To some, he may have been mundane, but to me……..he was far from it.

Thanks for reading. Please check out the other bloggers. And thanks to Karen from Baking in a Tornado for letting me be part of this again.

http://BakingInATornado.com                            Baking In A Tornado
http://www.theinsomniacsdream.com/                  The Insomniac’s Dream
http://TheGamersCorner13.blogspot.com              The Gamer’s Corner
http://momsdontsaythat.com                             Moms Don’t Say That
http://stacysewsandschools.wordpress.com/        Stacy Sews and Schools
http://www.homeonderanged.com                       Home on Deranged
http://www.juiceboxconfession.com                    Juicebox Confession
https://thisisdiscoveringme.wordpress.com/             Discovering Me
http://www.theblacksheepmom.blogspot.com          The Black Sheep Mom
http://spatulasonparade.blogspot.com                      Spatulas on Parade
http://thethreegerbers.blogspot.ch/                     Confessions of a part-time working mom

http://rantsfrommycrazykitchen.com                    Rants From My Crazy Kitchen

Raw Emotion

I’m going to be honest here. Gut wrenchingly, brutally honest. This is something I just kind of discovered today. And it will likely just be rambling, because I need to get it out there to universe, so I apologize in advance….

I hate myself. I absolutely hate myself. I can’t stand to look in the mirror, I can’t stand to look at pictures. It makes me sick. It makes me feel like a failure. I KNOW how to lose weight. I’ve done it before. I know I CAN lose weight. SOMETHING, and I’m not sure what, but SOMETHING is holding me back. I think it’s because I don’t feel like I DESERVE to be think, that I DESERVE to lose the weight. I know I could probably benefit from seeing a therapist, but I can’t afford it. I don’t want to be this big anymore. I need to change it. But I feel like I’m unworthy of the change. And that just makes my self hatred that much stronger. And then I start eating my problems, my issues. And that helps absolutely nothing.

I want, so badly, to get this weight off me and to feel better about myself, to feel HEALTHY. I don’t want to feel like I’m embarrassing my kids because they have the fat mom, or like I’m embarrassing my husband (even though I know I’m not).

Reflections In A Window

Today, I found myself looking at my reflection in the window of my van.

I absolutely hated what I saw.

Why is losing weight, eating right, etc so fucking hard to do?

I know what to do. I know what needs to be done. But do I actually do it? Nope.

I hate myself. I hate my reflection. I hate seeing what I see every time I look down, look in the mirror, look at a picture.

Yet, I do nothing. I start, I stop. I always have my excuses.

It’s not good enough anymore.

Something has to give. I have to stop hating my reflection.

Secret Subject Swap

I joined up with the Secret Subject Swap, hosted by Karen from Baking In A Tornado. 12 blogger swap prompts and today, we reveal who got what. It’s like a monthly Secret Santa thing…..pretty cool.

http://BakingInATornado.com                            Baking In A Tornado

http://thesadderbutwisergirl.com                    The Sadder But Wiser Girl

http://www.eviljoyspeaks.wordpress.com                       Evil Joy Speaks

http://www.100lbCountdown.com                      100lb Countdown

http://followmehome.shellybean.com                    Follow me home . .

http://www.menopausalmom.com/                            Menopausal Mother

http://dinoheromommy.com/                              Dinosaur Superhero Mommy

http://stacysewsandschools.wordpress.com/            Stacy Sews and Schools

https://thisisdiscoveringme.wordpress.com/              Discovering Me

http://www.itsyummi.com                                      It’s Yummilicious

http://dates2diapers2.blogspot.com                                  Dates 2 Diapers

http://thethreegerbers.blogspot.ch/                       Confessions of a part-time working mom

My prompt came from Stacy at Stacy Sews and Schools and it was “What is the oldest memory you have?” Thanks for the prompt.

There are a lot I could think of. Some of them are good.

Some are bad.

All of them, however, are defining in some way or another.

My fear of roller coasters comes from my father having me look over the side of The Beast at Kings Island.

My love of music probably stems from the countless times I went with him to band practice.

My love of reading probably comes from being around books from an early age….something both my parents felt was important.

My fear of things that go bump in the night comes from a conveniently timed sound that drifted to my ears from the graveyard as I precariously picked my way through a field to my Grandmother’s house.

My fear of the unknown about the darkness stems from a fear of being sexually abused again.

MY fear of rejection and abandonment comes from my father picking his new family over me. From my mother picking her addiction over me.

My unending love for my family comes from a burning desire to do better, to BE better.

These are all early memories, but my FAVORITE memory? The one that I hold so dear to my heart?

The memory of a kitchen, in a small home, in a small town in a Southern state. The smells of a country dinner cooking on a natural gas stove. The anticipation of a meal after a Sunday morning church sermon. The light humming that floated from a woman as strong as a statue, who’s soul was more beautiful than the most beautiful painting. The feeling of her warm arms wrapped around me. The scent of her perfume, so very light and feminine. The sound of her voice as she said “Girly, I love ya.” The murmur of grace before a meal. The peace of laying on the porch swing, listening to the sounds of the country.

The ghost of a memory, though so strong I can almost taste the food, hear the sounds, feel the love. A woman taken too soon from this Earth. A loss I grieve daily.

A memory I pass to my own children, though they will never lay eyes on this woman.

The emptiness of that one singular thought.

What Is Holding Me Back?

I want to go to church. I think I’ve found a church that I want to go to.

The problem?

How do you have faith in something you aren’t sure exists? I believe there is a god. Well….I believe there is a power out there bigger than us, that created us. I don’t think it’s capable of hate or judgment or any emotion. It just….is. I believe that Jesus existed as a mere man that was a humanitarian and cared about people. I don’t think that HE judges anyone either. I think that he wants everyone to do the best they can, to be the best people they can be and to do the best they can for others.

How do you go to a place to find peace, to find solace when you don’t believe what they are telling you, because what they are telling you comes from a book that you don’t believe is factual? I don’t believe that the bible is the be all, end all. I don’t believe that the hatred in it, the meanness in it, is something that Jesus or god is capable of. Because it goes against who, in my heart, Jesus and god is.

Does it make me a hypocrite that I take all the good as a possibility, but that I think the bad is mostly something added when it was translated? Not really the bad stories, but the things that the bible says is wrong, like homosexuality, divorce, remarriage, eating shellfish, etc, etc. I think that’s just BS. I’m sorry….I don’t mean to offend, but it’s the truth.

Does it make me a hypocrite because I believe that we are all entitled to believe and/or worship whatever we feel is right? I don’t think that any one faith, believe, whatever, is wrong or is the truth. I think that, if it’s true in YOUR heart, that’s all that matters. The truth lies in you, in your heart. If you are at peace with what you believe or worship, then you’ve reached what I feel is the best relationship with whatever your faith is in.

So, with all of this….why am I scared to take that first step into a building? Am I worried that I’ll lose a part of me that I love so, so much? I wish I could get to the root of it. Because I WANT to go. I want, so badly, to feel what I see other people feel, this overwhelming happiness, this amazing sense of…..something.

So…what’s holding me back?

Am I Ruining Them?

Sometimes, I think I’m ruining my children’s lives.

Why?

Because we don’t have any money. Okay, that’s not true. We have money, but we live paycheck to paycheck. I feel like this has affected my kids, because they don’t have the best of everything. We make enough money to pay our bills and get our necessities and a few of our wants. But I feel like, because we are considered low income, we are looked down upon.

For example, my daughter plays softball. She invited every person on her team to her birthday party. Not a single one showed up. NOT A ONE. When they took up a collection for a gift for the coach, they didn’t ask us if we wanted to give anything or sign the card. They just ignored us.

I’m sure a lot of this had to do with the fact that, while at games, my kids were forever asking for something from the concession booth. They’d always ask and I’d always say no, not because I didn’t have the money, but because the concession booth didn’t take plastic.

My youngest, who knows no stranger….especially if you have food, would befriend people and they’d share their food. I’d apologize and get her to stop, but I always felt a little judgment. I feed my kids, damn it. I even packed snacks for them and made sure they had stuff to drink.

My kids are a little on the weird side and that’s probably because I’M weird and so is my husband. I just hate feeling like, because we aren’t well off, they are missing out. I’m a stay at home mom and I know that, if I went to work, we’d have that extra income, but at the same time, being there and available for my kids is FAR more important to me. I get to take them to dance, to practice, to games, to events, things like that.

Maybe I’m reading too much into it, I don’t know. But this is something that is weighing heavy on my mind and heart.

The Me I’m Discovering

Most people get to know who they are in their 20’s.

Me? Not so much. Because when I was 21 I became a mother. When I was 22, I became a single mother. When I was 25, I got married and when I was 26, I had my third and final child.

Now here I am, in my 30’s with absolutely no clue who I am. I know my name, I know my roles in my life (wife and mother), but somewhere along the way, I’ve lost ME. I’ve transitioned so much over the years that I’m not sure if I’ve ever truly been myself or if each me that I’ve been has just been a front.

That’s what this blog is about…..figure out who I really am. Who is the real ME?

In this blog, you will see the most in depth parts of me. You’ll see me struggle to find myself now that my kids are all in school. You’ll see me struggle to lose weight. You’ll see me struggle to find myself spiritually.

You’ll get to know me as I get to know myself, but there a catch.

Only a select few will actually know who I am. This blog will be anonymous, until I am ready to “come out”, if I ever do.

So I thank you for taking this journey with me. And I appreciate the words of advice you may offer.

Here’s to me…..and if it helps you, reading this blog, here’s to you too.