What Is Holding Me Back?

I want to go to church. I think I’ve found a church that I want to go to.

The problem?

How do you have faith in something you aren’t sure exists? I believe there is a god. Well….I believe there is a power out there bigger than us, that created us. I don’t think it’s capable of hate or judgment or any emotion. It just….is. I believe that Jesus existed as a mere man that was a humanitarian and cared about people. I don’t think that HE judges anyone either. I think that he wants everyone to do the best they can, to be the best people they can be and to do the best they can for others.

How do you go to a place to find peace, to find solace when you don’t believe what they are telling you, because what they are telling you comes from a book that you don’t believe is factual? I don’t believe that the bible is the be all, end all. I don’t believe that the hatred in it, the meanness in it, is something that Jesus or god is capable of. Because it goes against who, in my heart, Jesus and god is.

Does it make me a hypocrite that I take all the good as a possibility, but that I think the bad is mostly something added when it was translated? Not really the bad stories, but the things that the bible says is wrong, like homosexuality, divorce, remarriage, eating shellfish, etc, etc. I think that’s just BS. I’m sorry….I don’t mean to offend, but it’s the truth.

Does it make me a hypocrite because I believe that we are all entitled to believe and/or worship whatever we feel is right? I don’t think that any one faith, believe, whatever, is wrong or is the truth. I think that, if it’s true in YOUR heart, that’s all that matters. The truth lies in you, in your heart. If you are at peace with what you believe or worship, then you’ve reached what I feel is the best relationship with whatever your faith is in.

So, with all of this….why am I scared to take that first step into a building? Am I worried that I’ll lose a part of me that I love so, so much? I wish I could get to the root of it. Because I WANT to go. I want, so badly, to feel what I see other people feel, this overwhelming happiness, this amazing sense of…..something.

So…what’s holding me back?

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7 thoughts on “What Is Holding Me Back?

  1. I think that you’re walking the path to that building, but you’re not quite at the door yet. When it feels right, you’ll walk in.

    But there’s another side of that coin, don’t over analyze. Go and give it a try, what do you have to lose? If you’re not comfortable or ready you don’t have to go back. Don’t sentence yourself to forever walking that path or you’ll never know.

  2. I totally identify with your uncertainty, your desire, and your fear of what you might lose if you try to join a spiritual community. Totally. My advice (what I’m trying to do myself) is to take it slow, keep taking your temperature emotionally, and be true to yourself. You are an honest person looking for truth. That’s good enough. If this church doesn’t turn out to be the one, don’t give up…

  3. If you don’t believe the stuff that you think is taught in church, why bother going? It seems like that would only cause you more conflict. Instead, why not seek out like-minded people in a club or support group?

    On the other hand, if you are open minded and willing to consider other possibilities about Christianity than the ones you expressed, go for it.

    Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are struggling and burdened, and I will give you rest.” From your blog, that sounds sort of like you.

    I pray that you will find what you are looking for.

    • Thank you. I, unfortunately, live in a very close minded area and finding people who are like minded is extremely hard. I am open minded enough to give it a try to take away what I can from the experience. There are a few different churches I’m interested in. The one in particular, however, I feel calling to me, for some reason.

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