I’m going to be honest here. Gut wrenchingly, brutally honest. This is something I just kind of discovered today. And it will likely just be rambling, because I need to get it out there to universe, so I apologize in advance….
I hate myself. I absolutely hate myself. I can’t stand to look in the mirror, I can’t stand to look at pictures. It makes me sick. It makes me feel like a failure. I KNOW how to lose weight. I’ve done it before. I know I CAN lose weight. SOMETHING, and I’m not sure what, but SOMETHING is holding me back. I think it’s because I don’t feel like I DESERVE to be think, that I DESERVE to lose the weight. I know I could probably benefit from seeing a therapist, but I can’t afford it. I don’t want to be this big anymore. I need to change it. But I feel like I’m unworthy of the change. And that just makes my self hatred that much stronger. And then I start eating my problems, my issues. And that helps absolutely nothing.
I want, so badly, to get this weight off me and to feel better about myself, to feel HEALTHY. I don’t want to feel like I’m embarrassing my kids because they have the fat mom, or like I’m embarrassing my husband (even though I know I’m not).